Unmasking the Blame Game

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation that feels like watching someone deflect a ball? Every point you make, every concern you raise, somehow bounces back to you as if you're the problem. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. This pattern of deflection and blame is a common dynamic that can drain our energy and undermine our relationships.

As women over 50, we've accumulated decades of wisdom and experience. Yet sometimes, we find ourselves entangled with individuals – partners, colleagues, or family members – who consistently position themselves as victims while making others responsible for their choices and circumstances.

The Anatomy of Blame

At its core, the blame game stems from an inability or unwillingness to take ownership. When someone consistently deflects responsibility, they're operating from a victim stance that says, "This happened to me" rather than "I played a part in this outcome."

This pattern often appears in collaborative situations. Imagine agreeing to partner on a project with clearly defined roles: you handle certain aspects, they manage others. But suddenly, you're expected to shoulder their responsibilities while they create elaborate justifications for why this is reasonable or necessary.

For instance, a colleague might invest in a professional development program but then expect you to do the heavy lifting because "they paid for it," conveniently forgetting the original agreement about division of labor. What began as accountability sessions transforms into watching them navigate basic tasks while your own work piles up.

This dynamic isn't about gender alone, though it often plays out in gendered ways. It's about a fundamental unwillingness to participate equally in the give-and-take that healthy relationships require.

The Psychology Behind the Pattern

Psychologists identify this behavior pattern as characteristic of an external “locus of control” – the belief that outside forces determine outcomes rather than personal choices. When combined with defensive cognitive patterns, it creates a perfect storm where feedback is perceived as attack and requests for accountability are viewed as unfair demands.

Escape Tactics and Entitlement

These patterns reveal themselves through distinctive behaviors that become increasingly apparent once you know what to look for. An entitled person facing accountability might suddenly terminate a call when the conversation doesn't go their way. They might abruptly leave a meeting or session when confronted with their responsibilities, creating a dramatic exit that shifts attention from the issue to their emotional reaction.

Another common tactic is the triangulation of sympathy – sharing selective versions of conflicts with others to gather support and validation. Have you noticed how some individuals have an elaborate network of people who've heard detailed accounts of how they've been wronged, yet these stories conspicuously omit their own contributions to the situation? This pattern of seeking external validation rather than internal reflection reinforces their victim stance.

Entitlement often manifests as an expectation that rules should bend for them while remaining rigid for others. The same person who expects endless flexibility and understanding for their circumstances may show remarkable inflexibility when others need accommodation.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, renowned psychologist and author of "The Dance of Anger," describes this dynamic as a "blame dance" where one person's inability to tolerate discomfort leads to externalization of responsibility.

These patterns become particularly evident in disagreements. Notice how quickly a conversation shifts from the specific issue at hand to historical grievances or character assessments? This derailment tactic effectively prevents addressing the actual concern while positioning the other person as unreasonable or unfair.

Breaking the Cycle

The first step in addressing this dynamic is recognition. When you find yourself constantly explaining, justifying, or defending reasonable boundaries, it's a red flag. Similarly, if your attempts at open communication consistently circle back to how you've failed to understand them, take notice.

As women with decades of life experience, we've earned the right to expect reciprocity and respect in our relationships. This doesn't mean abandoning compassion, but it does mean refusing to participate in dynamics that diminish our worth or waste our precious time.

Reclaiming Your Power

The Core 4 Principles remind us that our purpose isn't to fix others or accommodate unreasonable expectations. True passion emerges when we operate from completeness rather than depletion. Prosperity—emotional and otherwise—flows when we align with our authentic truth rather than contorting ourselves to manage others' emotions.

Remember that power isn't about controlling others; it's about standing confidently in your worth. When you refuse to absorb blame for another's choices or compensate for their unwillingness to grow, you're not being harsh—you're being honest.

This stance requires fierce intentionality. Notice when you slip into old patterns of over-explaining or over-accommodating. These moments aren't failures; they're opportunities to practice new responses that honor your time and energy.

Setting Internal Boundaries

Perhaps the most crucial element in navigating resistant individuals is establishing firm internal boundaries. When someone abruptly leaves a conversation, hangs up a call, or storms out of a meeting, they're often attempting to provoke an emotional reaction that shifts the focus away from their behavior and onto your response.

The key is proactive emotional preparation. Before entering potentially challenging conversations, take a moment to center yourself and set an internal intention: "If this person leaves abruptly, I will remain calm and continue my work." This proactive stance prevents you from being held hostage by another's dramatic tactics.

Remember that your emotional equilibrium is not dependent on others' behavior. When you maintain your composure in the face of someone else's reactivity, you reclaim your power. Your steady presence sends a clear message that you won't be manipulated by theatrical exits or emotional outbursts.

This doesn't mean you're unaffected—it means you've chosen not to allow their coping mechanisms to dictate your emotional state. With practice, you'll find that what once triggered anxiety or frustration gradually loses its impact. You become the eye of the storm—calm, centered, and unmoved by the chaos swirling around you.

From Reaction to Creation

The ultimate shift happens when we move from reactive engagement to creative agency. Instead of pouring energy into relationships characterized by one-sided accountability, we can direct that precious resource toward connections that reflect mutual respect and shared responsibility.

This doesn't mean walking away from every challenging dynamic, but it does mean engaging differently. Sometimes the most powerful response is spaciousness—allowing natural consequences to unfold without rushing to prevent discomfort or fill silences.

After 50, we've earned the wisdom to distinguish between productive discomfort and unnecessary suffering. The former leads to growth; the latter merely depletes. By choosing where we invest our energy, we reclaim the fierce magnetism that naturally draws aligned relationships into our lives.

The next time you encounter the blame game, remember: you don't need to pick up the ball. Your value isn't determined by how well you absorb others' responsibilities or manage their emotions. Your power lies in standing firmly in your truth while allowing others the dignity of facing their own.

Living Your Fierce Truth

As Dr. Maya Angelou wisely noted, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." This isn't about judgment but discernment—a quality that sharpens with age and experience.

By recognizing patterns without feeling compelled to fix them, you create space for authentic connection rather than exhausting compensation. This is the essence of aging with power—not in spite of your years, but because of the wisdom they've cultivated.

Your fierce, intentional presence speaks volumes. When you refuse to participate in the blame game, you model a different possibility not just for yourself, but for everyone in your orbit. That's the true definition of leadership—and it's available to you right now.

About the Author

Dr. Diva Verdun, the Fierce Factor Expert and #1 transformative architect on aging, empowers women over 50 to seize their destiny and Age with Power™. Through her signature F.I.R.E.™ methodology and Fenom University, she ignites women's fierce potential to live life on their terms. Follow her on Facebook or Linkedin.