A Mother's Heart in Crisis: When Your Adult Daughter is Lost to Emotional Abuse

What happens when a woman loses herself inside of someone else? Well, she begins to see herself as lacking self-worth and self-esteem. She ceases to believe that she can survive without the person to whom she has surrendered her entire essence. It is a tragedy for which many mothers are forced to contemplate and become alarmed. 

They watch helplessly while their daughters careen out of control, swinging between emotional extremes from numbness to explosive outbursts. The proud, beautiful, impeccably groomed young woman is only a shadow of herself. The happy self-actualized young woman of the past no longer exists. We don't recognize this person anymore. What happened? How could this happen?

Understanding Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is a form of psychological manipulation that can leave deep, long-lasting scars. Unlike physical abuse, the wounds of emotional abuse are often invisible, making it a particularly insidious form of maltreatment. Some common forms of emotional abuse include constant criticism, name-calling, body shaming, humiliation, and withholding emotional support, affection, or validation. What makes this form of abuse especially dangerous is that it frequently escalates to physical violence - emotional abuse is often the first stage of domestic violence.

The invisible nature of this abuse makes it particularly difficult for mothers to help their daughters recognize and escape it. I experienced this firsthand when trying to reach out to my daughter. Every attempt to discuss her situation was met with hostility - she would accuse me of not loving her, of not understanding. The more I tried to help her see that she was on a destructive path, the more she pulled away. 

Watching her become homeless, following yet another abusive man, left me desperate and inconsolable. Each time I saw her, she was less and less recognizable - a mere shadow of the beautiful, vibrant young woman she had once been. This transformation is a hallmark of emotional abuse, as the perpetrator systematically breaks down their victim's sense of self-worth and independence.

My worst fears materialized when I had to rescue her and my grandbaby after she had been beaten, carjacked by her partner, and left on the street. Later, I learned the horrifying truth - she had been beaten so severely that the skull bone in her face was broken during a violent encounter. She had been unconscious for an unknown period and left in bed, uncared for. This is the terrifying progression that many mothers witness - the escalation from emotional manipulation to life-threatening violence.

Recognizing the Signs

Many of us have worried about the warning signs: obsessive monitoring, restricting our daughters' autonomy, isolation, and the apparent "gaslighting" - denying reality and making persistent references to "you're crazy" or "you're overreacting." One of the more worrying impacts of emotional abuse is the victims' difficulty in regulating emotions. They tend to have trouble managing their feelings, leading to outbursts or emotional numbness.

Victims become highly attuned to their abuser's moods and behaviors, walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their wrath. They are constantly on guard, anticipating the next outburst. This hypervigilance erodes their confidence in their own judgment until they can't make even simple decisions without deferring to their abuser.

Physical Manifestations

The impact of emotional abuse often becomes visible in various ways:

• Rapid weight loss or gain due to stress eating or loss of appetite

• Neglect of personal hygiene and grooming

• Premature aging due to chronic stress

• Dark circles under the eyes from sleep disturbances

• Dull and lifeless hair with patchy bald spots

• Skin problems, including acne, eczema, or psoriasis

Body Language and Posture

The trauma of emotional abuse often manifests in telling physical ways:

• Hunched shoulders as a protective mechanism

• Downcast eyes and difficulty maintaining eye contact

• Crossed arms or defensive postures

• Visible flinching when others make sudden movements

• Making themselves physically smaller

• Nervous gestures like wringing hands or nail-biting

The Hidden Health Crisis

Prolonged exposure to emotional abuse creates devastating health consequences:

Neurological Effects

• Chronic headaches and migraines

• Memory problems and difficulty concentrating

• Tremors or muscle twitches

• Dizziness and balance issues

• Heightened startle response

Cardiovascular Effects

• Elevated blood pressure

• Irregular heartbeat

• Chest pain and tightness

• Poor circulation

• Increased risk of heart disease

Other Physical Effects

• Digestive system issues

• Immune system breakdown

• Sleep disorders

• Chronic fatigue

• Lower back pain

• Fibromyalgia

Understanding the Biology of Abuse

The physical manifestations of emotional abuse are rooted in the body's stress response system. Chronic activation of the fight-or-flight response leads to elevated cortisol levels, increased inflammation, and altered brain chemistry. These physiological changes explain why emotional abuse, despite lacking physical violence, can cause substantial bodily harm. The constant state of hyperarousal and stress takes a significant toll on virtually every system in the body.

A Mother's Journey: From Helplessness to Hope

What's a mother to do? We watch as our daughters persist under the victimization of emotional abuse, losing everything. Family members attempt to intervene to no avail. The helplessness we feel as mothers, watching our children suffer while being pushed away, is one of the most painful experiences imaginable.

Yet, understanding these patterns and recognizing the signs of abuse can empower us to provide more effective support when our daughters are ready to accept help.

Emotional abuse attacks the fundamental aspects of a person's psyche - their sense of belonging, self-esteem, and ability to self-actualize, as outlined in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. When these basic psychological needs are undermined, individuals struggle to reach their full potential and experience profound distress.

Finding a Path Forward

Overcoming the scars of emotional abuse requires a multi-faceted approach, including therapy, support systems, and the development of healthy coping mechanisms. With time and proper care, victims can reclaim their sense of self-worth and work towards fulfilling their fundamental needs.

To other mothers watching their daughters suffer: you are not alone. While we may feel helpless, understanding the signs and mechanisms of abuse can help us better support our children when they're ready to accept help. Keep the lines of communication open, even when it seems impossible. Sometimes, simply being there consistently, showing unconditional love despite rejection, can be the lifeline they need when they're finally ready to break free.

Remember that recovery is possible, and your presence - even when seemingly rejected - can be the foundation your daughter needs to eventually rebuild her life. Stay strong, stay informed, and most importantly, never give up hope.

About the Author

Dr. bj Verdun-Moore, known as "The Enlightened Educator's Educator," holds multiple degrees including a Ph.D. in Metaphysical Counseling. As an author, minister, and Licensed Real Estate Broker, she champions cultural diversity in education and professional development.

Dr. bj Verdun-Moore is also the mother of the Founder of the Age with Power Movement Dr. Diva Verdun.